EVERYTHING IS ON THE TABLE - INCLUDING RHINO

A local resident watched helplessly from his second story window as a rampant rhino entered his backyard, climbed atop his outdoor picnic table and crushed it to splinters.
"I just don't understand why it happened," the devastated homeowner told witnesses.

HE AIN'T NEVER GOING BACK ... TO WALKING

The standard "one foot in front of the other" method of walking no longer applies to at least one delighted commuter.
The man told reporters that he "willed himself to move across the ground" without moving his feet -- and found himself able to slide along "like a stop-motion animated character."
The as-yet unnamed method of locomotion proved to be at least as fast as travelling by car, as the commuter discovered when he was able to cross the Golden Gate Bridge at highway speed simply by sliding along the road on his soles.
The impetus for his discovery? "I had to get away from a bunch of people who were discussing the Steely Dan song 'My Old School' in great detail. I'm sorry, but that's just a pretentious song about white male privilege and I had to get out of there fast."

RAIL TRAVEL NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE

An elderly commuter wrote an outraged letter to the New York Times complaining about current trends in rail travel.
The letter-writer claimed he was aboard a Long Island Railroad train recently and shared a compartment with a younger woman. When he demanded that she take her clothes off, the woman refused.
"This would never have happened on the LIRR I used to know," the cranky commuter wrote.

CONFUSION IS IN THE AIR

Why was a packed jumbo jet flying over a heavily populated area at rooftop level, narrowly missing antennas and clotheslines?
Why did the passengers have to climb so many stairs with their heavy suitcases? Wouldn't an elevator or ramp made more sense?
Why was the flight re-routed through forgotten mill towns of New Hampshire, where the passengers were forced to act in movie scenes of Depression-era train robberies?
All of these questions remain mysterious. But DreamWorldNews reporters will not rest until the facts are brought to light and the guilty punished.
Until then — sleep well!

SKYSCRAPER IS HOME TO DOUBLE-FACED BABY

Visitors to the top floor apartment in New Hampshire's tallest building can get a glimpse of a rare two-faced baby.
The infant appears normal from the front, but the back of its head sports an extra face. Doctors theorize that the second face is a vestige of a embryonic twin sibling which was absorbed into the baby's body during gestation.
Curiosity seekers should be warned, however, that the 38-story building has no elevator. "We don't want people getting off at the wrong floor and seeing the baby," said the child's mother.

SURE-FIRE CURE FOR MONEY STRESS

Worried about your finances? Take a tip from the experts and burn some sulfur in your dishwasher. "As soon as my house fills with sulfurous smoke, my money worries simply melt away," one giddy convert enthused to reporters.

BOXERS HA HA HA

An adjunct art professor reported last night that a group of sixth grade girls "made fun of" his underwear. No further information was available about this incident.

FREAKS SEEN ON ROAD

A group of freaks said to be walking along a stretch of interstate highway somewhere between New Haven and Boston were gone when police got there.

VIOLIN PERFORMANCE IS AN ANXIETY CLASSIC

A man forced to perform on an unfamiliar instrument by his children's school principal has characterized his ordeal as "anxiety-producing".
The local resident is an experienced guitarist, but was completely unprepared for the task assigned to him by the principal: learning to play the Rolling Stones classic "Jumpin' Jack Flash" on the violin.
"I had exactly 24 hours to learn everything I needed to know in order to play it in a recital," the man told reporters. "It was a classic anxiety dream."

YOUR AMP IS NOT A DISHWASHER

Despite the superficial resemblance between a classic 1964 Fender Princeton guitar amp and a dishwasher, you should never confuse the two. Placing dirty dishes inside the amplifier's back panel will result in unpleasant odors and vermin. Spraying water into the amplifier's chassis can damage circuitry and lead to serious injury.