SURE-FIRE CURE FOR MONEY STRESS

Worried about your finances? Take a tip from the experts and burn some sulfur in your dishwasher. "As soon as my house fills with sulfurous smoke, my money worries simply melt away," one giddy convert enthused to reporters.

BOXERS HA HA HA

An adjunct art professor reported last night that a group of sixth grade girls "made fun of" his underwear. No further information was available about this incident.

FREAKS SEEN ON ROAD

A group of freaks said to be walking along a stretch of interstate highway somewhere between New Haven and Boston were gone when police got there.

VIOLIN PERFORMANCE IS AN ANXIETY CLASSIC

A man forced to perform on an unfamiliar instrument by his children's school principal has characterized his ordeal as "anxiety-producing".
The local resident is an experienced guitarist, but was completely unprepared for the task assigned to him by the principal: learning to play the Rolling Stones classic "Jumpin' Jack Flash" on the violin.
"I had exactly 24 hours to learn everything I needed to know in order to play it in a recital," the man told reporters. "It was a classic anxiety dream."