Monday, March 28, 2005


Graphic software maker Adobe Systems now sells its industry-standard Photoshop program in plant form, company spokesmen revealed.
Customers can still buy the software by the box, but they now have the option of growing it from seed. The Photoshop bush is a small, decorative shrub which does well in temperate climates, preferring medium sun.
Consumers are cautioned, however, that converting the shrub's berries to useable software is a difficult procedure to which Adobe holds the sole patent. "Any attempt to refine or process Photoshop berry juice into executable code will be treated as a serious infringement of Adobe's intellectual property rights, and prosecuted vigorously," according to the warning label.

Friday, March 25, 2005


Movie goddess Jean Harlow heroically foiled a sinister plot to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge shortly before her death in 1937, newly declassified government files have revealed.
The story, accompanied by screaming banner headlines and a vintage studio glamour shot of the 1930s screen siren, was recently reported on the front page of the New York World-Telegram — a paper previously thought to have ceased publication sometime in the 1940’s.
According to the report, the FBI learned of the terrorist conspiracy against New York’s landmark bridge and recruited Harlow to insinuate herself into the confidence of the enemy.
“Because she was so heroic as to submit herself to a fate worse than death, as we used to say back then, in order to entrap the plotters, the FBI agreed that she would remain anonymous — just a plain old patriotic girl doing what any patriotic American girl would do,” said a spokesman familiar with the case. “Now at last, 70 years later, the story can be told.”
Though some old movie buffs are sure to find the blonde bombshell’s secret espionage career sensational, one cinema afficianado wondered if the FBI didn’t keep the story under wraps a little too long. “What will today’s readers make of all this?” he mused to reporters. “I wonder how may of them have ever even heard of Jean Harlow.”


Wedding trend-watchers everywhere are raving about the latest thing: costumes made of cake frosting!
After one recent wedding, guests filed into an auditorium where the rosy-cheeked bride was seen wearing a pillbox hat and small-collared woolen coat coated with pale pink and cream-colored frosting.
“The groom also wore a frosted cap and suit,” reported one guest.


Since the recent death of John Updike, rumors have continued to persist that the dreaded black dog — combined with the possible influence of an unknown supernatural phenomenon — was the cause of the overrated writer’s demise.
One would-be sleuth has taken on the Updike case at a summer wilderness camp in northern Minnesota. He was originally assigned the task, he pointed out, because the camp directors had deemed that the Updike mystery must be solved before the camp could open for business.
Fortunately, the sleuth discovered, the New Yorker magazine had already cracked the case and was running television ads touting their solution. The sleuth discovered the New Yorker ads — animated by artist Charles Burns — at a laundromat in a town near to the wilderness camp.
According to the commercial, Updike was indeed running from the black dog at the time of his death. However, the magazine added, he was also “really fat” and he may well have died from physical exertion in fleeing the dreaded canine.
The sleuth considered the New Yorker’s solution satisfactory and informed the wilderness camp directors that the crime had been solved. “You can check the Updike case off your list,” he told them.


A weary traveller who recently stopped into an Indian restaurant in Mexico City told reporters that he “just knew” he had to enter the establishment, located on the second floor of a two-story adobe building in a crowded section of the city.
“I was walking down the cobblestone streets and saw the Indian restaurant,” said the traveller. “What was strange was that the staff didn’t speak Spanish, or any of India’s 16 major languages — only Italian.”
The traveller sat down at a small table and asked for the house specials, which he found out consisted of a substance known as “Zeze” (pronounced “Zay-zay”). Zeze, the waiter said, was made of tofu, onions and carrots — none of which are available in India, the waiter claimed.
Since Zeze was the only item on the menu, the traveller ordered a plate of it, he said.
When the traveller’s Zeze was ready, the waiter brought the plate out and delivered a brief speech in pidgin Italian, justifying why he was giving the traveller a plate of Zeze. The traveller said that he only remembers the first six words of the waiter’s speech: “La rayzay de la prayzay Zeze...” (“The reason for the presentation of Zeze...”)


George Martin and the boys at Abbey Road studios, ca. 1967. Could that be the mysterious 'kidney-bag' under Lennon's arm in this 1967 shot?
Ex-Beatle John Lennon is alive and well — and boy, is he steamed about what wasn’t included on the massive Beatles Anthology.
The sarcastic moptop, in his 1965-style body, haircut and clothes, was hanging upside-down from a jungle-gym in an interior warehouse playground when he told this reporter of a previously unknown Beatles song titled “Revolver.”
“McCartney and [producer] George Martin secretly edited out my solo and released the song!” Lennon said. And what was so unique about the solo? According to the time-arrested Liverpudlian, it was a “Kidney-Bag” solo. Hence the catchphrase which has mystified Beatles fans for years - “The Kidney-Bag Sessions”.
Lennon declined to explain exactly what a kidney-bag is, but sources have speculated that it is some kind of hand-held bagpipe-type instrument made out of an actual human kidney and fitted with pipes and straps.
As Lennon narrated this part of the story, holographic images materialized of McCartney and Martin in the EMI studios cutting out the kidney-bag solo. The holographic pair looked around themselves suspiciously, as if they were thieves in a B-grade crime film expecting to get caught red-handed.
The song was reminiscent of ‘Tomorrow Never Knows’, Lennon said, and the psychedelic, mind-expanding mood was made ever-more intense by the late-night kidney-bag sessions.
This reporter then volunteered to help Lennon piece together the “real” version of the song in his new digital home studio.
“Back then you didn’t have several digital working versions of a song – you just had the one,” Lennon explained. “They just physically cut the tape and threw it on the floor.”
But Lennon did like the idea of locating a kidney-bag and recreating the solo from scratch in his friend’s studio. So Beatle fans may still have this rarity to look forward to — perhaps on Anthology II.


Herpetologists worldwide were shocked Monday night by a layman’s recent discovery of a new species of snake.
The new species has been dubbed the Air Snake because of its unusual method of locomotion. Explained one scientist: “The Air Snake moves like a regular snake, but it travels through the air about two feet off the ground.”
The scientific community is baffled by the snake’s success in staying undiscovered for so long, especially considering its habitat. “Because the snake feeds on plastic bubble wrap, it tends to live in heavily populated, industrialized areas,” said one expert.


The Ayatollah Khomeini today imposed a fatwa on beloved comic actor Robin Williams. Williams joins celebrated British author Salman Rushdie in being sentenced to death, with a promise of eternal life for the Muslim who carries it out. The comedian has not announced how his life will be different with the fatwa or if he will make any changes to his lifestyle at all.
The fatwa was imposed, Khomeni said, because Williams refused to obey Khomeni’s new “sound-name” rule, dictating that everyone in the world had to start spelling their names exactly as they sounded.
“No deviations from my rule will be tolerated,” said Khomeni as he peered around a screenful of Arabic subtitles in a televised statement broadcast from the Sony Trinitron billboard TV in New York’s Times Square.


A woman was surprised to see an aquaintance at a cocktail party lounging on a special chair made of hemp woven in long, fibrous strips. The woman’s skirt was hiked up to her waist, and she wore no underclothes. Her legs were splayed wide open, and she repeatedly informed surprised partygoers that, since she’d had five children, her vagina had “just stretched wide open.”
But the real shock was her chosen treatment for the problem: she had had a giant Blue Hubbard squash, with a diameter of over 18 inches, inserted into her vaginal opening!
“The skin of the squash absorbs my largeness and helps shrink the opening back to a comfortable size,” the woman told party guests.
“Misogynist male doctors used to joke that they’d give women episiotomies, and then stitch them up ‘tighter than before’ for the pleasure of their husbands,” the reclining squash-wearer lectured. “My method is far more attractive, and healthier too!”
The partygoer told DreamWorldNews she’s concerned women will flock to the new treatment, because its new evangelist is herself a nurse.
“I thought she had only two kids. Now she suddenly has five,” mused the partygoer. “How can they afford a house in such a snotty neighborhood?”
Note: The vagina, an elastic tunnel designed for birthing infants, does not in fact stretch wide after multiple births. DWN apologizes for inadvertently propagating old sexist bromides.


Folkies are sure to learn a thing or two from a forthcoming book which chronicles the career of 1950s folk chanteuse Ronnie Gilbert.
“First of all, The Weavers were her band,” reveals a publishing insider. “She was the driving force behind the whole thing.”
The book describes Gilbert as a “beautiful, intense poet-girl” who was prone to extreme depression.
“She started the band to cheer herself up,” said the insider. “It was okay to sing sad songs as long as they sang them at the top of their lungs.”


Having trouble talking to step-parents on the telephone? Check your equipment, experts advise. You may find that the receiver is made of scar tissue which is not flexible enough to transmit conversation.


The latest word in urban transportation is getting rave reviews from riders!
Introduced late Sunday night, Sex Bikes are two-passenger bicycles pedaled by beautiful women. Male riders who hail the bikes are encouraged to engage in sex acts with the scantily dressed drivers en route to their destinations.
“Generally the passenger sits behind the driver, but any number of positions are possible,” said a Sex Bikes company spokeswoman. “The only limit is the imagination.”
She added that the company plans to make male drivers available in the near future, “for the benefit of riders who want to hang onto something solid.”

Tuesday, March 22, 2005


Animal abuse charges have been dropped against a man who kicked cats in self-defense late Thursday night.
The man told police he had no choice but to kick the vicious kitties football-style because they were biting his toes.
"They were Republican cats, and they wouldn't stop biting me," he said in a prepared statement. "It really hurt. A lot."

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


At least one city resident doesn't love a parde.
Describing a recent night of aimless wandering, the man told reporters that "the whole thing was a waste of time."
"I walked up and down half-deserted shopping streets along with a bunch of strangers," the man alleged. "The whole experience was totally devoid of story structure."
"If that's a parade, I fail to see what the big deal is."

Wednesday, March 09, 2005


A prototype police cruiser capable of operating in the highest atmospheric pressures found anywhere on Earth has some law enforcement officials wondering, "Why didn't we think of this sooner?"
Only slightly bulkier than the Ford LTD's commonly favored by police agencies, the prototype car is equipped with extra-fat tires and thick exterior walls and can withstand up to 30,000 pounds per square inch.
Such extreme pressures can be found at ocean depths three to four miles below sea level.
Though police vehicles generally do not need to operate in sub-oceanic environments, some officials have stated that providing high-pressure capability is more a matter of pride than necessity.
Said one commissioner, "If fish and even microbes can exist at 30,000
psi, then so should our police cars."

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


Mobile memorials: the next big trend?
Two elderly ladies were seen getting into their beat-up Cadillac illegaly parked on a snowy Brooklyn street. A passerby offered to help them carry their bulky parcels of plastic shopping bags while they fumbled with their keys, and discovered that the car's back seat was an indoor memorial garden dedicated to the memory of their late husbands.
"They pressed a button and the back seat unfolded from underneath the earth" which covered the enormous car's floor, the man told reporters. "The plastic bags contained flowers which they planted on their husbands' graves."
Planting accomplished, the street-savvy widows got into the front seat and drove away. "They were in a hurry to leave because they were parked in front of a hydrant," said the witness.

Friday, March 04, 2005


In a bid to curry political favor, college classmates of Senator John Kerry (D-MA) funded a campus monument to the onetime presidential candidate, sources say.
The monument, located on the main lawn of Tufts University, is a caricatured likeness of the Senator's elongated head. Wealthy Democrats from the Tufts class of 1964 privately raised all the funds for the 20 foot tall granite monument, which some have compared to the famous stone heads of Easter Island.
A local man who found a photo of the monument at a tag sale, however, had a different opinion.
"It looks like a Don Martin cartoon to me," he told reporters. "I would have bought it for laughs, but my family is broke and I can't justify spending money on something so hideous."