REMEDY FOR POST-PARTUM ILLS: GIANT SQUASH!

A woman was surprised to see an aquaintance at a cocktail party lounging on a special chair made of hemp woven in long, fibrous strips. The woman’s skirt was hiked up to her waist, and she wore no underclothes. Her legs were splayed wide open, and she repeatedly informed surprised partygoers that, since she’d had five children, her vagina had “just stretched wide open.”
But the real shock was her chosen treatment for the problem: she had had a giant Blue Hubbard squash, with a diameter of over 18 inches, inserted into her vaginal opening!
“The skin of the squash absorbs my largeness and helps shrink the opening back to a comfortable size,” the woman told party guests.
“Misogynist male doctors used to joke that they’d give women episiotomies, and then stitch them up ‘tighter than before’ for the pleasure of their husbands,” the reclining squash-wearer lectured. “My method is far more attractive, and healthier too!”
The partygoer told DreamWorldNews she’s concerned women will flock to the new treatment, because its new evangelist is herself a nurse.
“I thought she had only two kids. Now she suddenly has five,” mused the partygoer. “How can they afford a house in such a snotty neighborhood?”
Note: The vagina, an elastic tunnel designed for birthing infants, does not in fact stretch wide after multiple births. DWN apologizes for inadvertently propagating old sexist bromides.